An account penned by a wife about the partnership between a husband and a wife, from the stencil of Torah-obedience. And an added bonus bit about certain elements, which we call 'lighters'. Read on.
A person once asked us quite point-blank in the initial days of when Joel and I were dating each other, whether we shared expenses and used a joint account.
Now this was the earlier days when we just started dating each other. However, Joel and I were so comfortable with each other, like we knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, that we had already begun to share expenses and not make a big scene about it.
But in actuality, we got pushed into this as a test of our love and loyalty to each other.
It’s an interesting and tragic tale.
We both came to spend time and get acquainted only in the India induction of 25 days of the company that hired us for a leadership program in Bangkok city, Thailand. (More about our business and life journey here)
When this induction, or rather for us, this initial courtship period had ended and we were to make our way to Bangkok, we were already sure what we had could not be brushed off as an infatuation.
Hence, we decided to start our relationship officially and collude and stand by each other through the dense forests as well as the breezing bushes.
The first dense thicket I was met with was when we landed in the city of Bangkok, the first time I was in a land international, I had my secular birthday 3 days later.
Now, the other hired recruits showed up to my room to celebrate and towards the end of it, I found that all the money I had was stolen. I was left with no cash. My account had money but my entire cash allowance was lost to me.
I cried a lot but then the Father had it planned all along. How I got through this phase, which was basically 30 days until the next allowance would show up, is that my beautiful boy J voluntarily offered to split expenses with me so that I wouldn’t have to face it all alone.
Mind you, this is just about 30 days of knowing each other.
Even fewer of actually growing closer.
That’s how we got pushed by cruel circumstances to stick stronger than glue to each other and look at our relationship beyond money and the frills.
Yes, he could’ve benefited and saved up more if he didn’t have to pay for me. But he prioritized our relationship and secured himself the lifetime investment of finding a great and like-minded partner.
Eventually, we got to enjoy way, way more than the other recruits as we would make our expenses jointly with no fussing, whereas the others would be left squabbling over minor things and never arrive at any consensus. The plans they did end up making would be compromised on an overall level and the outcomes were not up to the mark in comparison to the expenses they shed.
We, on the other hand, in the 7-months we were in that job, ended up traveling to a beautiful nearby beach destination known as Hua-Hin and then crossed borders and went to the famous Bali, Indonesia for an experience of a lifetime for the both of us. We did not cut down on travel and the stay as Joel holds a firm belief to do things big or not do it at all.
The best part of it was we worked in the same business unit for the longest duration of the program which was over 2-and-a-half months. We got to spend a lot of time together when the work was slow and have a healthy ‘work-love’ balance.
However, none of this was taken well by the other recruits who saw us happy and flourishing in our personal and professional lives.
They wrote a joint email to the company HR and asked that the business units be reshuffled as they ‘allegedly’ had issues with their own workstations. They made it a point to directly communicate to us, after all the back-handed dealings were done and made it about how our prosperity was affecting their sorry states and we were not showing sympathy for their plight.
The result of their email (a wordy document of tears and whining, that we were never shown) was that we got separated, and not normally into different business units, but miles apart, strewn away by the management on the baseless and foul testimony given by these very ‘reliable’ persons.
However, the Most High being all powerful over everything and especially these little games, we got reunited in no time in less than a month and we were back in each other’s arms stumping everyone else.
Back then, I was upset that they had to resort to such petty means to try to take us out, but now as I have grown in understanding, I realize that that’s what immature and insecure people do when they see what they lack and do not want to build. Focusing more on a scattering approach than a growth-oriented one. They act out of the carnal defense of - destroy, pluck out and pretend to prosper.
These destroyers are always the on-lookers standing on the sidelines, waiting patiently for their turn to overthrow you as you live your life in blissful unawareness of their existence.
But life is above and beyond these contentious agents feigning to make things about themselves.
Our forefather, patriarch Isaac experienced this before as narrated in the Book of Genesis in chapter 26: 18-22,
"Isaac dug anew the wells which had been dug in the days of his father Abraham and which the Philistines had stopped up after Abraham’s death; and he gave them the same names that his father had given them. But when Isaac’s servants, digging in the wadi, found there a well of spring water, the herdsmen of Gerar quarreled with Isaac’s herdsmen, saying, “The water is ours.” He named that well Esek, because they contended with him. And when they dug another well, they disputed over that one also; so he named it Sitnah. He moved from there and dug yet another well, and they did not quarrel over it; so he called it Rehoboth, saying, “Now at last HASHEM has granted us ample space to increase in the land.”
The Philistines were point blank envious of the prosperity of Abraham and Isaac and could not contain it after a point. They took it upon themselves to go so far to fill with earth already dug wells of water and snuff it out even though water was a VERY scarce resource back in the day.
Eventually as time flows, Isaac gets his blessings manifold and his jealous enemies have no option but to pack their sacks and get going in a direction away and opposite from Isaac.
The contention we faced from contending foes was like a tree having its roots attacked. They tried to cut the roots, brutally chop it off and uproot the tree, all to ensure that the tree dies and never sees the light of day.
But the twist lay in the Creator’s plan.
Their attacks fell onto the branches, leaves and fruits. Beautiful and a part of the tree though they were, yet they had to make their way away. But the tree still lives and breathes. To grow the same branches, leaves and flowers once again.
The Creator decides and rules. His plans prevail and He has shown the humble trees mercy. And the pride-infested shoots have fallen, never to rise up again. Praise HASHEM.
A Bonus Bit: The Lighters
The humans in your vicinity. It's a bitter pill to swallow, in stride when you're trying to put on a great show, when there's a non-collaborative clanging vessel making it about themselves.
The greater vision suffers because of one of the artists not wanting to fall in line, to actualize the vision.
I call this character a LIGHTER, trying to burn the entire vision down with his or her antithetical and contentious energy. When this character doesn't get to become captain they make it a point to dedicate every ounce of energy to sink the entire ship.
So, cut this anchor loose and let the Father propel you into your destiny and be unapologetic for it.
You can't really operate around this Lighter.
Getting back to the highlights of our journey:
- Got together in 30 days of knowing each other
- Colluded and left everyone who was unimportant to us in the shadows
- Traveled the world and explored a new country together
- Left our first job hand-in-hand prioritizing our relationship over everything else
- Jointly purchased our first ever car together
- Eventually ended up starting a successful business together harnessing the best of the skills we both had
- Spurred on our faith journey and discovered the Creator and the truth of the monotheistic faith of our father Abraham
In all of this, one important facet that you could possibly takeaway is that none of us believed in playing any power games. To emotionally manipulate in order to win in the short term. We had major disagreements too, but we always would work it out and get back and never use the past as an attack in the future but let the bygones be bygones.
Joel was a stone-faced thug before I came and got his emotional side ticking. I was a dominant person, whose assertive side has been dulled down in time by the understanding of what it takes to have a healthy and thriving relationship.
"Hence a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife,
so that they become one flesh."
Genesis 2:24 JPS Tanakh 1985
Marriage is a very important component in the story of the Tanakh. The union between a man and a woman was ordained as part of the divine plan of God from the very first page of the Tanakh.
God said, “It is not good for man to be alone. I will make him a helper suitable for him.”
Marriage is a partnership. A collaborative relationship between a man and a woman. The woman helps bring out the best in the man by encouraging him to go out there and be the best version of himself that he was created by God to be. The man loves his wife deeply and protects and takes care of her and gives her all that she needs to thrive and encourages her in her quests.
It is a beautiful companionship that they share as no one else can replace this relationship and fill in the spot of a loyal and faithful spouse.
“Be fruitful and multiply.”
Procreation is one of the chunkiest layers of marriage. Our Creator has given us a command to be fruitful and multiply.
The beasts, birds and fishes follow this commandment of old to multiply.
All these simple, ancient ways of old play a very key role in a healthy relationship and a healthy mind.
I guess it comes with following the ways of the Father that immense, surreal peace is a guarantee.
“The confident mind You guard in safety, In safety because it trusts in You."
Isaiah 26:3 JPS Tanakh 1985
To conclude, our marriage to us is the best gift we have from God. Though many have tried to break in and steal the joy we have with each other, they have never prevailed.
Our love is steadfast and our union unbreakable.
Remember that investing in the right relationships goes way beyond money. Valuing the contribution of the other person, gratitude even in the midst of differences, sticking strongly together when the tides are against you, is all part of what it takes to keep the marriage from being shaken.
Lastly, if you love someone truly you will come to see the hard work it takes to truly love.
To love your wife.
To love your kids.
To love your fellow-man.
To love the stranger.
To love God, above all else.
